Talking with a parent or a loved one about end of life matters is difficult.
Subjects such as living wills, powers of attorney, care, dying and legacies are not easy. When a loved one has failing health and is reaching the end of life family members often feel overwhelmed by the conflicting emotions of wanting to do their best and not wishing to cause offence.
If you are reading this because a parent or loved one is approaching the end stage of life it is good to remember that getting older and dying is a normal part of living. Still, it can be difficult to know how to talk to loved ones about their end-of-life wishes and how to include other family members in important decisions.
Many families don’t find it easy to talk about these things.
However, it’s important to clarify your loved one’s expectations while they are of sound mind and able to communicate their wishes. Memory loss or dementia can make the conversation very difficult, so try to have the conversation sooner rather than too late. Ideally, the time to instigate this conversation is when your elderly loved ones are still doing fine but you recognise that they are getting older. The reality is that important topics and decisions for their retirement, their advanced years and end-of-life wishes need to be discussed, mainly for their own welfare and peace of mind but also to prevent acrimony and distress for their family when they pass.
Sometimes loved ones may show resistance the first time you speak with them about the subject so be prepared to try again at another time. It’s important to approach the conversation with respect and in a way that acknowledges their dignity. Often the best way is to ask for permission to have the discussion in the first place.
When you do have a sensitive discussion with your loved one be prepared to be a good listener and let him or her set the pace of the conversation. Rather than prefacing suggestions with phrases like “you should” or “you ought to” which can cause resistance use opening questions such as “Have you thought of?”, and “How about?” to help guide the conversation. Make sure you ask important questions about preferred treatment, your loved one’s end-of-life goals, their spiritual concerns, and where they prefer to die when the time comes. Ask if they have a valid will already in place and where it is stored. If they don’t have a will you can offer to help them assemble the information that will be required. Acknowledge their choices and wishes, even if you don’t always agree and try to show your concern and love in words or through gestures in whatever way you are comfortable.
Help them understand why these conversations are crucial to help them prepare for the future. Their main concerns about old age and dying may well be about not knowing how long is it going to last or how intense is it going to be and they may be feeling very fearful but trying not to show it.
It takes courage,
but try to think of these talks as a reciprocal gift, both from the parent to the children as well as from the child to the parent because, someday, your turn will come too. Thinking of how you would want your children to be with you in the same situation will help you to anticipate what will may needed and make the journey less stressful for everyone involved.
“When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.”Ernest Hemingway
We recommend that every adult should have in place an up-to-date Will and a Power of Attorney.
Hastings Legal specialise in providing friendly legal advice and services for Later Life matters. We are are regulated by the Law Society of Scotland so you can be sure that we have your best interests at heart.
Hastings Legal have offices in Kelso, Duns and Selkirk. If you are too ill to come to us, don’t worry, one of our solicitors can visit you at home or in Hospital
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